I can picture the freezing February night when spray from fire hoses turned into a gentle falling snow as I stood watching my childhood home destroyed by fire. I can remember the feeling of wading through several inches of water in the basement of my new home – on three occasions. I can recall in vivid detail the births of 5 of my 6 children. (My oldest son is adopted.) However, calling to memory my age at any of these events would take a few moments to consider. There is one year of my life that I rarely have to stop to consider its significance. 32.
Only a few days after turning 32 the following took place – in no particular order: slept in a completely emptied house away from my children, began the process of moving back in with my parents because of financial issues, laid down a worship leader role, and signed divorce papers - in short, I felt like a complete failure.
The thought of starting over was at times depressing. Sleeping in a twin bed back in my parents’ house was extremely lonely and humiliating. The realization of being a single father was setting in as was the pain of the divorce. This wasn’t God’s plan for me. I was numb.
It wasn’t long before God started to reveal the direction my future was headed. He was gracious with me and empowered me to get through the difficult season. His grace indeed is sufficient. There seemed to be one triumph after another in the months to follow! God was restoring and redeeming many aspects of my life as I learned to rely on Him even more. It was easy to focus on everything that God was doing and not actually contend with the feelings & lies of the enemy surrounding the season around my 32nd birthday.
I’m 46 now. God has indeed been gracious to me. He has led me down a path of growth and fulfillment that I would not have seen coming all those years ago. So, what ever happened to those situations from 2005? Did I ever seek complete healing – emotionally, mentally & spiritually? The most honest answer to these questions is – “under the rug” and “I thought I had?”. I have had victory over a good portion of the hurt of that season with one exception – divorce.
The lies of “you are a failure”, “you will never get away from this” and “look what you did to your kids!” would return to my mind. At times, I would struggle with looking at situations through a lens colored by the lies & hurt. It wouldn’t always be a struggle but there were circumstances that I would encounter that would trigger an attack. When my adult children would be in midst of their own personal struggle, if I was counseling with someone who was having marital issues, or whenever I sensed someone spiraling toward failure, I would come under attack. Occasionally I would end up seeing the situation through that lens and deliver counsel from my experience – not from the truth of God’s word and work in my life.
On Tuesday December 10, 2019 there was a meeting planned for the regional leaders of the church movement which the Fireplace Christian Fellowship is a partner church. The meeting was to have Dale Mast (Author, “And David Perceived He was King”, “The Throne of David” & “Two Sons and a Father”) as the speaker and minister for the morning. Dale’s book “And David Perceived He was King” was a blessing to me as Rachel (my wife) and I stepped into leadership of FCF. We looked forward to the morning and we knew that it would be a great time of reconnecting with friends and hearing from the Lord. What I was not expecting is that God would uncover the pile under the rug that I pretended wasn’t there. He truly did want me completely, utterly free! (John 8:36)
I had never heard Dale Mast speak before and I had not ever met him. Dale announced that he was planning to share from his heart and not rely on too much structure or notes – we were pastors and church leaders after all, we could “figure out the five points” he told us jokingly. He encouraged us as a group first. This was such a great time of impartation in a very relaxed atmosphere. We laughed and smiled a bunch as Dale was keeping things lighter with his sense of humor. His words to the group were refreshing and lifegiving! He moved into a time of personal ministry to encourage the leaders in whatever Kingdom advancing work God had called them to in this season. He made his way to Rachel and me. What happened next was pretty amazing.
He encouraged me with some direct words regarding a situation Rachel and I are going through. “God can handle any situation that you are in and He will take care of dismantling the intimidation that you are sensing.” Wow! Amen! Thank you, Jesus! Then he placed his hand on my shoulder and said these words – “I’m not certain how this all fits together, but I think I am seeing you at 32. You look a bit older than that in the natural - You aren’t 32 are you?” No. I said. “Where are you at?” 46 I said. “What I’m sensing is for you to look back at 32 – that’s 14 years ago. What happened at 32?” Divorce – was all that I could choke out through the emotion. “Ok. That thing that you feel has marked you - God has put His finger on and He is breaking it off of you and I say that 32 is under the blood of Jesus.”
I can’t explain this but at that moment it felt like a huge weight was removed from me. That might seem very strange as I am certain I knew that in my head – His blood cleanses us from every issue - ALL UNRIGHTEOUSNESS! (1 John 1:9) I had confessed my faults and received forgiveness, so why this weight? Why did I still wrestle with the lies?
Dale continued. “Do you remember when Jesus told Peter that he would deny him 3 times? Peter said I would die first but Jesus had told Peter – I’ve already prayed for you…when you’re strengthened return and help your brothers. So, Jesus was so over a failure Peter hadn’t yet committed that He called out Peter’s purpose ahead of time. HE is so over your failure will you give yourself a break with the blood of Jesus!” Give myself a break…stop bringing it up…stop going back there and listening for the voice that lies to me or reminds me of the hurt. Wow & Amen, again! Dale wasn’t yet finished.
“God is so good! What I felt was 14, that separation (The 14-year difference) is a double mantle, lean into the double mantle! Thank you, Lord! Release a double mantle in Jesus Name!” A double mantle. A double portion. A double anointing. As with any prophetic word spoken over my life, I have taken it to prayer. I have taken it to the word of God to see that it is in complete agreement. I am confident in this – in that moment I heard this verse in my spirit:
“Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so, you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.” (Isaiah 61:7)
I will continue to seek the Lord for further understanding and direction - I would encourage you to do the same! We are chasing wisdom after all – not just goosebumps. As Dale Mast would say – “I look for the wisdom in the midst of goosebumps”. Indeed. We are excited to see what God has for us!
I am sure there will be more to tell - Glory to God!
-bryan
